Ok, I’m going to pull a therapist move and talk about feelings. Emotions are fascinating, complex, universal, and they heavily impact our relationships. Ready?

Raise your hand if:

You’re hard on yourself.

You dislike feelings.

You’re not in touch with your emotions.

You’ll do anything to avoid feelings.

I assume I’m not the only one with my hand up in the air on the train right now? Receiving questionable glares from fellow passengers?! I didn’t think so. We are oh-so-hard on ourselves when it comes to our feelings. Perhaps we were taught to avoid them, escape from them, or to be perfect and unwavering at all times. We even use language like “positive” and “negative” emotions, which implies that there’s something wrong with certain feelings. Not true!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: your feelings aren’t the problem. Your feelings about your feelings are the problem. These are your meta-emotions: a mix of thoughts and feelings about your own emotions and those of others. They are a big part of your thought process that influences your emotional experience as you move through the world in relationships. How do you respond to your own feelings?

For instance, say you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming event. And then you get impatient and think that you’re stupid for feeling anxious about said event, and that you should just get over it. The anxiety is not the issue here; the impatience and self-criticism are. Staying here just keeps you stuck in an anxious loop, feeling bad about yourself. What’s needed is a little dose of self-compassion. Be a little nicer to yourself. Let the feeling come and go, and see if you can ride it out mindfully. This allows you to move through emotions authentically—to simply let them be, without judgment.

Get in touch with your meta-emotions. What are they saying? Are they critical or dismissive? Try to soften and notice them with a neutral thought: “Oh, there’s that sadness again. Ok.” It won’t last forever. As important as emotions are, they’re also just feelings. They’re temporary, and they move and change often. Befriending them might actually teach us a little something about ourselves.

In the movie Inside Out, Disney Pixar’s brilliant take on brain science and emotional intelligence, there is tension between Joy and Sadness as they compete for first place in the main character, Riley’s, brain. They learn that they need to embrace and accept one another to bring whole-hearted connection to Riley’s life. We could stand to do this in our own lives, too.

P.S. If you haven’t seen Inside Out, please stop reading and watch it. It’s for kids and adults of all ages. Enjoy!