As far as couples therapy celebrities go, John Gottman is highly regarded as one of the prominent pioneers in our field. His research started in the 70s in what is now called the Love Labs, in which couples would be observed by Gottman and research partners, particularly the ways in which they interact together. What Gottman and his colleagues found was that they could predict, with a staggering 90% accuracy, which couples would likely divorce…and when. Couples who had, what Gottman termed, the “Four Horsemen” divorced an average of 5.6 years after the wedding.*

Before we take a look at each of the “Four Horsemen,” keep in mind that every partnership has moments of each of these. Simply recognizing that you are sometimes defensive doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce. It does mean, however, that you have some growing to do. But don’t we all? Each of these become dangerous when any, or all, are frequent, pervasive, or unchanging patterns of interaction. Read on to learn about the “Four Horsemen,” as well as the “antidote” for each!

1. Criticism:

A criticism is an attack on one’s character. It sounds like, “You’re so selfish, you never think of anyone but yourself.” The antidote? Adjust your language away from a criticism and toward a complaint, which is far more palatable, discrete, and not at all an attack on one’s character. It sounds more like, “I felt like I was unimportant when you forgot to call me.” That’s right, people. Use your “I” statements—they’re gentler and more digestible than a criticism.

2. Defensiveness:

Everyone gets defensive from time to time, especially when we’re stressed. However, defensiveness is really a reverse-attack without accepting any responsibility for a wrongdoing or hurt. This is dangerous because it creates a wildly unsafe environment for either partner to express any hurts, complaints, etc., which, inevitably, stalls any sort of growth as a partnership. Instead, access your mature self and accept responsibility for whatever hurt was caused. Truth bomb: Your defense is IRRELEVANT. You hurt your partner, even if you didn’t mean it. Even if you were stressed. Even if you simply forgot to do the thing you said you would. Own it, apologize genuinely, and move forward having healed in a constructive way.

3. Contempt:

Contempt is, according to Gottman, the most toxic of the Horsemen. This category, simply, includes acting cruel to your partner: mocking, using sarcasm, eye rolling, name calling, etc. Contempt is criticism on steroids, and is relationship poison. It is the greatest predictor of divorce. Period. Rid yourselves of it, immediately. To do so, it partly takes some self awareness. First, identify what’s behind this kind of behavior. Are you feeling insecure? Harboring resentment? Is this learned behavior from your parents? Then, work toward joint, active fostering of goodwill between you both. Actively cultivate a sense of fondness and admiration. Your marriage depends on it.

4. Stonewalling:

Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt, but tends to happen over time when a partner feels helpless, hopeless, or so angry that he/she completely shuts down. Stonewalling means turning away, avoiding conversation, etc. Another way to describe it is feeling “flooded,” which essentially means you’re so overwhelmed with emotion (fear, anger, helplessness) that you can’t think or act rationally, so you shut down. One antidote to this is self care, giving yourself a time out to physiologically and emotionally regulate yourself so that you can come back and resolve the conflict from a healthy place. Of course, another important antidote is to resolve contempt and the other Horsemen so that you can create an environment where emotions, conflict, and difficult conversations are welcome.

For more information, or to learn more about The Four Horsemen, check out this video from Gottman’s website:

*Statistics and research from John Gottman’s website, Gottman.com. We highly recommend a search on his site. It’s full of excellent resources on relationship health!