Recently, we dove into the existence of our accelerators (SES) and brakes (SIS) and their impact on our sexual experiences. Whether feelings, thoughts, or actions; alone, with a partner or seven, our gas pedals and brakes contribute to the lens through which we experience our sexual worlds. Yes and…now what?

Ultimately, we turn on the ons and off the offs, but first we have to know where to step and what to avoid. To get an idea of what those contexts are for you, try this exercise concretized by Emily Nagoski, PhD, oft-referenced author of Come As You Are and sex-science hero.

1. Think about a sexy experience you’ve had, including all the juicy details.

2. Sit down and describe it in writing.

3. Read through it and note all of the things that made it so sexy.

Take into account your mental and physical health, characteristics of your partner(s) and your relationship, as well as details of what transpired during the encounter. Also consider external factors, such as location and overall life circumstances in that moment.

Perhaps you were away on holiday and spent the day basking in the sun, reading a steamy novel and sipping pina coladas alongside your beloved. Mostly-naked, miles from responsibility with fantasy on the front burner does it for a lot of folks. For others, an afternoon nap, the original cast recording of “Cats” and ten minutes until your roommate gets in from work might push the right buttons. These ingredients hit the gas and cultivate your sexy contexts.

Now, follow the same steps with a not-so-sexy experience.

Considering the same categories, what made it less sexy? Maybe you were anxious about work, hadn’t slept well the night before or were physically uncomfortable.  Perhaps you weren’t feeling desirable because your partner seemed disengaged. Possibly the stimulation was a bit too far to the right or you didn’t have time to warm up before moving into penetration. It could even be the exact same vacation as before, cocktails and all, but this time you’re feeling pressured and overwhelmed. These are the things that hit your brakes, creating not-so-sexy contexts.

Reflecting on both experiences and the elements that contribute, what details stand out as moving toward contexts you’d like more often and what elements can you identify as pumping the brakes?