In conceptualizing sexuality, we note that while everyone is unique and very special, there are also some commonalities across the board. Developing models that clarify these aspects provide direction when we’re looking to dig in and tinker with sexual relationships. One such framework is known officially as The Dual-Control Model .

In sum, the model proposes sexual response depends on sexually excitatory (SES) and sexually inhibitory (SIS) nervous system processes. The SES, or accelerator, reads the environment for sexual cues leading us towards engaging. The SIS, or brakes, scans for potential threats or reasons not to be aroused.  Both systems are important, and it’s the balance between the two in our interpretation of context as sexy or not that ultimately informs our willingness or ability to sexually engage. (Full disclosure: this model is near and dear to my heart due to hours upon hours of hooking folks up to machines and showing them erotic material at the Kinsey Institute.)

 “Actual Kinsey lab, potentially not so sexy context.”

One of the ways this balance plays out in real life is that we’re inundated with guides to overhaul our sexual relationships, headlines such as “170 Ways to Drive Your Man Wild” or “32 Musts To Get Her Going.” These lists often include sexy solutions such as candles, music, handcuffs, sex swings, and saran wrap. They are all lovely AND there’s a reason that all the Cosmos (drink or magazine) in the world are not sufficient for many people to notice a sizeable or sustainable shift in their connection.

These suggestions are primarily accelerators, and most people already know what CAN work. The frustration lies in that the pedal is to the metal, but they’ve not budged an inch.  Because the SIS is in play—and brakes are a lot more difficult to work with. Think about it, everyone knows where a gas station is, but do you REALLY know a good body shop without doing a bit of research?

In the same way that there are innumerable things that turn people on, there are just as many that turn people off. They can be as small as the “cat is watching,” “my feet are cold,” or “I can’t stop trying to remember the name of that one girl in that one movie”; or they can be as big as “I’m about to lose my job,”  “intercourse hurts,” or “I’m afraid you’re going to get pregnant.” And one of the most powerful inhibitors is pressure. Pressure to engage, to perform, to respond, to orgasm. Which is why, even if all things are go around the accelerator (think vacation, anniversary, no kids, no phones, beautiful context), sex sometimes doesn’t go as planned. Because that can be a lot of pressure, applied directly to the brakes, and, in a head to head battle, my money is on the brake, every time.

But it’s not a losing battle. Knowing this, the work lies in identifying and easing off the brakes, while leaning into those things that pump the gas; turning on the ons and turning off the offs. In the future, we’ll look at some ways to better identify specifically what these things are. In the meantime, check out Kinsey’s interactive questionnaire to learn a bit more about the sensitivity of your own brake and accelerator.