I often marvel at the number of things busy people are able to fit into a week: full-time jobs, childcare, workouts, household chores, social activities—not to mention sleep. So it’s not surprising that my clients often lament that time for sex doesn’t come up organically. My response? Of course it doesn’t!
Nothing else in your life happens without being carefully scheduled—why would sex be any different?
The inevitable reaction: “Sex shouldn’t be scheduled! It should be spontaneous!”
The idea that sex in a healthy relationship should happen organically is common, and it often leaves couples feeling stuck or broken when it doesn’t. But sex is rarely actually spontaneous—even in the most vibrant relationships.
Don’t believe me? That’s probably because you can remember a time in your relationship when sex just happened. All of a sudden, a sensual touch, a kind word, or a snuggle on the couch erupted into mind-blowing, can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other sex. So now, when you and your partner don’t suddenly and simultaneously feel overcome with sexual desire, it feels like it just doesn’t count. What people don’t often realize, however, is that their memory of what spontaneous sex looked and felt like is not entirely accurate.
Let’s dive a little deeper into these memories—and take a look at the preparation and planning that went into each of those “spontaneous” moments:
Each time you planned a date with your new lover, it was fraught with anticipation and excitement. You may have fantasized about what was going to happen and how it would feel for days before you saw each other. In the hours leading up to a date, you may have showered and shaved, used all your best-smelling products, or picked out the perfect outfit (and imagined your partner’s reaction to it). You may have set the mood: cleaned your apartment and made your bed, lit a candle, or picked out the perfect music. These are all things that say to your brain: “Prepare: I may be having sex later.”
Once you were together, each little touch sparked more anticipation, and each kiss or tender word continued to send sexy messages to your brain. That excitement built and built over time. Then, when an opportunity for sex emerged, you were primed and ready to go. Sure, it felt spontaneous, but you’d actually been planning in your mind for quite some time!
So my advice to you is this: Don’t discount the idea of scheduling sex into your busy lives before you try it.
Waiting around for spontaneous sex puts you in the passenger seat of your sex life. Put yourself in the driver’s seat by writing time to physically connect into your shared calendar.
When you let anticipation and excitement build, create the perfect setting, and fantasize about what’s to come, it acts as foreplay for your brain, allowing even scheduled sex to feel like the spontaneous moment you’ve been craving.
This was a great article. I never thought about the planning it took
to get ready for a POSSIBLE spontaneous sex encounter…..
Perhaps, I am just a difficult person to work with, but how does planning sex into your schedule avoid feeling like just another job on your To-Do List? Spontaneity never happens for us any more and sex to me feels like a job that is just another aspect of the routine if I even have the energy to get around to it. We try so hard to plan dates into our busy lives, but sometimes sleep is far more welcome. I DO miss that spark from the earlier part of our relationship and often lament its absence. Last week’s talk about Turn Ons did not help very much either as I have struggled for years with chronic pelvic pain and the fun of experimentation and excitement of creativity is gone to make way for what is comfortable and manageable. As I sit here expecting the birth of our next child, I know it’s going to be quite some time before sex can be attempted if it even happens again. (It took 3 years and a couple surgeries last time.) I can’t be the only woman with this dilemma. Aren’t there any other suggestions that can help address the needs of women, who like me wish for better but can’t seem to make it work? I know I should just be satisfied with the time I had, but it is hard to accept that scheduling and routine is as good as it gets.