You’ve heard it before: Every relationship has its highs and lows. Love is a roller coaster.

Sure, we have to learn to navigate the natural ups and downs of a relationship; these are essential skills for building resilience as a healthy couple. I wonder though, in the midst of all this conflict, how low is too low?

Some of us have a tendency to fight dirty and hit below the belt when we’re upset. Perhaps we’ve learned it from our families of origin or from previous partners. We know how to push each other’s buttons when we want to, and we can be quite good at it. Those zingers sure feel good, too, don’t they? For about a hot second, often followed by instant regret. When it comes to continuous low blows, I’m not so sure we can bounce back in the long run.

Fighting itself is not the problem. Fighting is healthy and normal. It’s how you fight that makes a huge difference. I tell my clients to immediately commit to three things during conflict:

1. No direct insults or cursing

2. No threats to leave the relationship

3. Take a break

Name calling and cursing directly at someone is destructive, mean, and disrespectful. Threatening to leave in the heat of an argument instantly puts your partner on the defensive and moves you both into shaky ground with wavering commitment to the relationship. If you truly want to separate, save that conversation for a time when you’re both calm and grounded. Escalating intense conflict when you’ve already crossed the line isn’t going anywhere. Take a time out, walk away to cool off, and respect each other’s space. Try again later on when you’ve calmed down, and own how you contributed to the fight (both of you can always apologize for something, I promise).

Most couples think they need to resolve their issues in the moment—you don’t. Let it rest. You can go to bed upset; your unresolved issues will be waiting for you in the morning.

These guidelines can help you both establish a baseline level of respect for one another, even when your anger gets the best of you. You will still need to repair after conflict, but you won’t be recovering from what could be irreparable damage. You’ll start rebuilding trust as you weather the inevitable ups and downs in your relationship, and you will both be able to withstand whatever comes your way.

Now that’s something worth fighting for.