What turns you on?

It’s a simple question. But the answer—and how to communicate that answer to a sexual partner—often feels much more complicated.

Turn ons are the interests and preferences that shape our sexual experience. They vary greatly from person to person, and they evolve over time.

Those fortunate enough to be naked with you deserve to know these preferences—and how they’re growing and changing—in order to best meet your specific desires. This is precisely why telling your partner about your turn ons is crucial.

I often hear from clients that talking about sex makes it seem less “natural.” The fantasy is that our partner should just know exactly what we want without having to be told. But we can’t expect our partners to read our minds, even if we’ve been with them for years. Now, is it especially hot when someone seems to intuitively explore our bodies with confidence? Hell yes. But even if you are fortunate enough to experience this, it will still become necessary to speak up and collaborate with your lover at some point. Without new information, your super confident lover will just continue to do what they love over and over again—and it will inevitably become predictable to you. Even the best of lovers have to keep growing and exploring together in order to keep things fresh and titillating over time.

In order to show up for this exchange, we must first know ourselves. Before talking to your partner about your turn ons, try answering these questions to get to know yourself better:

What is a “yes” for me?

What is a “no” for me?

What might I like to try once or twice, just to see how it is?

How do I like to be touched? (This may vary with your mood!)

What do I enjoy but haven’t experienced recently?

Now you’re ready to share. Keep in mind: not all communication is verbal. You can send plenty of messages with body language, taking the lead, and guiding your partner’s hands. That said, you’ll need to supplement even the best of miming skills with some grown-up conversation.

“I’ve been thinking about how good it feels when you…”

“Softer.”

“I’ve always wanted to try…”

“Harder.”

Yes, this requires vulnerability, but the payoff involves you getting more of what you want, are curious about, or suspect you might like. Rather than believing the falsehoods about communication making sex feel less natural, you’ll soon see how empowering and gratifying it is to get just what you were craving, just how you like it.