Have you ever wondered where disappointment comes from? It usually stems from a gap between the reality of a situation and our expectations of how it should be. We can all relate to this: You thought your partner should plan something special for your birthday and she didn’t. You expected to be engaged by this time in your life and you aren’t. You’re wondering if your relationship should be this difficult and start comparing it to others. See where we’re stuck? The shoulds are a trap!

Sure, society plays a role in shaping these unrealistic expectations. But I think we take them to another level. We let ourselves focus on what should be rather than what is. Of course we’re disappointed! Clients often ask what’s “normal”: Should it be this hard? How much sex should we be having? Should I care about this so much? You get to be your own barometer for normal. Determine what’s realistic and what you want for yourself. This can be quite liberating—if you let it be.

If you find yourself disappointed with your current situation (relationship, job, sex life, etc), take a step back and ask yourself a couple questions:

How did you think it would be?

Did you voice your expectations?

Find the gap, and make some adjustments. I challenge you to be more direct with yourself and others about what you want. If you want something special planned for your birthday, tell her. If you want him to be more open with you about his feelings, tell him. Partners aren’t mind readers, and neither are you (thank goodness for that!).

When you stop should-ing all over yourself, you might find an unexpected joy and peace within the reality that you created.