The New Year inspires in many of us a chance to reflect and take stock of what is and isn’t working in our lives. Naturally, the state of the union within a relationship or marriage tends to take center stage during this process, given the degree to which our relational satisfaction influences our overall well-being.

If your assessment of the connection between you and your love is that there is actually less love flowing these days than there used to be, you aren’t alone. Frustrations can build up rather easily, especially given the frenetic pace of our day-to-day lives and lack of education when it comes to how to maintain a thriving relationship over time. The trick isn’t to avoid frustrations—but to learn better ways to resolve them and (this is the most important part) reset fully so you can move forward without resentment!

If you’re currently needing a reset, try this to create some much-needed fresh energy:

1. Do the individual work

…of figuring out for yourself what is at the core of your angst or anger. Not the thing on the surface (i.e. “You never do the dishes”) but the meaning you attach to that thing (“I don’t feel appreciated by you these days”).

2. Turn the criticism into a request.

For example, “You used to appreciate me, but now you completely take me for granted” turns into “I’d really love it if you could go back to doing some of the thoughtful things you used to do. It showed me that you were thinking of me, despite how busy you are with work, which made me feel special and important.”

3. Give it some time.

No one changes overnight, nor do we typically hit it out of the park on the first try when implementing new things. If you see your partner making attempts to honor your request, give them kind feedback if necessary, but be sure your frustration doesn’t translate to intolerance for the process of progress over time.

4. Show up as your best self

…BEFORE you get every little improvement you’re requesting. Operating by a quid pro quo agreement in which you only start showing up once your needs are fully met is not only ineffective but also a flawed way of looking at the reality of a relationship. A healthy relationship is built upon a commitment to being a loving and invested partner consistently.

5. Be willing to start a fresh chapter together.

This isn’t the same as pretending all is fantastic and not dealing with the real issues that need your attention. Instead, this is about the very real need for a do-over, reset, or truce AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES to get through all that life throws your way. It’s about partnership and believing that for as long as you are committed to being a couple you will need to exercise this skill countless times in order to avoid resentment and toxic attitudes in your home space.

Do you need a minor tweak? Give this a try on your own. The conversation may have to happen in stages or become an iterative process. Need a major overhaul? The guidance of a great therapist (hmm…wonder where you could find one of those?) might get you on track in a more impactful and time-efficient manner. Either way, the joy of living a connected and aligned life with the person you love is worth the clumsy or challenging conversations necessary to get that reset you both deserve.