My clients often share with me that they wish they could convince their partner to start therapy, but they just won’t budge. The excuses are plentiful:

“Going to couples therapy is the first step toward divorce.”

“Only couples with ‘real’ problems need therapy. We’re not that bad.”

“You’re the one with the problem. Go by yourself.”

“A stranger won’t be able to help us.”

“A therapist would just take your side.”

“I hate therapy.”

Here’s a message for all those partners out there who refuse your loved one’s request:

If your partner is requesting therapy, they’re doing a vulnerable thing in admitting they’d like outside help. It means they’re feeling stuck, unhappy, and unsure how to proceed. Even if you don’t feel the same, hearing their request shows them that you’re taking their concerns seriously and that you’re willing to do the work. Agreeing to walk through the door of that therapy office with an open mind is the quickest way to say, “I care.” They’re inviting you in to be part of the healing process, and that invitation shouldn’t be taken lightly.

If you don’t think your problems are bad enough to seek outside help, great! It means that you’re starting the process of healing while the wounds are still fresh; they haven’t scarred over due to years of resistance or avoidance. The right therapist won’t take sides, but we will help you make decisions that are in the best interest of both of you. We will aid your partner in communicating in a way that you can actually hear and respond to, and vice versa. We will trust that you know more about your specific relationship than we do, and we’ll work with you to create the change you’re craving. If you’ve had a bad experience of therapy in the past, share that with your partner, and then with your therapist, so that you can choose a professional who feels like a better fit for both of you. If you think you can fix things on your own, ask yourself why that hasn’t happened already. An outside perspective may be a helpful addition to your own ideas.

Is therapy the first step toward separation? Perhaps. But it won’t be the reason for the end. So often, I see couples come to therapy only when one of them has been offered an ultimatum—it’s this or divorce. By this time, the partner who’s pushing for therapy may already be one foot out the door. Don’t let this be your story. When your partner asks you to join them in couples therapy, don’t wait for them to ask twice… or three times… or twenty times. Do it now. Your relationship depends on it.