While the Hallmark version of the holidays paints blissful pictures of snowy walks, sparkling lights and fireside cocoa, realistic discussion tends to be a bit more, well, extra. Conversations (in session and out) typically revolve around extra stress, extra work to be done, and extra money to be spent.

Women often find themselves carrying so much of the extra burden of spinning reality into magic that they are missing out on the “joy of the season” altogether.

Brigid Schulte’s recent Washington Post article outlines the situation brilliantly, highlighting the additional work that’s piled atop an already heavy load. “Despite making advances in education, shattering glass ceilings in the workforce and in politics, and gaining more economic independence in the past 40 years, women, on average, still do twice as much housework and child care as men, even when they work full-time outside the home. This “second shift” of housework and child care, which sociologist Arlie Hochschild first described in the 1980s, is alive and well in the 21st century. And holidays such as Christmas send that unequal division of labor into overdrive, creating a “third shift.”

Many women are able to realize that the majority of the expectation for this third shift is coming not from their partners or children, but instead from their own ideas of what “should” be done. Let’s not forget that these shoulds are less an instinct for cookie baking and candy making and more cultural construction fed to women via every magazine cover ever created.  This trajectory leads to women feeling compelled to engage in what author Leslie Bella calls “family-making.”

So, if family making is the goal, try doing so as a family.  Sit down and have a conversation about what type of family you’re working to create and how the holidays are a part of that.

What feels meaningful and what can you let go of? Is it worth spending the money or energy on sending cards to everyone whose path you’ve ever crossed? What type of budget can you agree on for celebrating? And, most importantly, how can you divide the load equitably so Mama’s not left holding Santa’s bag all alone?