When you last heard from me directly, I shared the importance of being willing to experience anxiety and discomfort in order to infuse your relationship with more eroticism (i.e. sharing preferences and having challenging conversations). I received dynamic feedback from folks, and some of them had the same concern: what about when you crave an erotic connection but you don’t currently have a partner—or you have a partner who values sexuality much less than you do?

You’re in luck, to some degree! While it is deeply, deeply frustrating to feel sexually curious but have no one to play with, you can still strengthen and enliven this area of your day-to-day life. Think of it less as a pursuit of sex itself, but instead as a pursuit of pleasure, enjoyment, or a feeling of aliveness. This is truly what eroticism is all about at its core and, partner or no partner, you have unlimited access to savoring these aspects of your life.

Begin with an inventory of the things that bring you joy. Not just a lil’ smile on your face but profound joy. What lights you up? What makes you feel downright grateful to be alive? If nothing at all comes to mind, it is worth spending some time and energy focusing on this as a solid place to start building a foundation for pleasure. If you have trouble thinking of anything that brings you joy, I can guarantee you’ll struggle to have as much fun as is truly possible when you do have a naked person to play with!

Practical tip: Take an inventory of what you think you might enjoy, have enjoyed in the past, or know you like but rarely have the time or energy to devote to the experience. Then, identify the barriers currently in place that keep these specific things feeling “meh” rather than “ohhhh, yeah!”

Maybe you love a day on the golf course, but the pleasure of the experience is diminished by guilt about taking time from other obligations (“I should just hurry through a quick nine quick holes rather than playing the entire course”) or the hyper-focus on performance (“I’m can’t believe how crappy I played today!”).

Next time you’re golfing, try this instead: Take a deep inhale—not the kind that puffs up your chest but the kind that makes your entire abdomen expand—and let it gooooooooo. Take a look around you. What do you appreciate about the course surroundings? Appreciate the cold drink in your hand and how refreshing it feels in your mouth and traveling through your body. Savor the breeze on your skin. Ahhhhhh…..better, right?

Maybe you book the manicure and pedicure but then spend the entire time glued to your phone, mindlessly scrolling through social media, or reading anxiety-provoking and infuriating stories about children being hauled away from their refugee parents.

Try this instead: Put everything aside, close your eyes and take that same deep breath. Enjoy the sensation of touch. Someone is nurturing you with their touch right now and your only job is to receive and savor it. Resist the temptation to judge it (“I wish they would use more pressure when they rub my insoles”) and instead sink into appreciation and gratitude. Allow thoughts to run through your mind, but don’t follow them. Identify every element of this experience that feels good and is infinitely better than being at the office or in traffic.

Now imagine if you walked through your everyday life becoming a skilled Pleasure Seeker. Imagine how this might change you and create a foundation for eroticism.

Still feel like this is a stretch? Try it out for a few weeks, and I’ll be back next month to expand further.