“My love for him is as strong as ever, but our sexual connection is another story.”

“She’s my wife, the mother of our children. I just can’t imagine objectifying her the way I can with strangers I pass on the street.”

“If I were to share what I really want to experience sexually, it would make them so uncomfortable. I wouldn’t even know how to begin that conversation.”

When people discover that I am a relationship and sex therapist they often ask, “So what’s the most common issue you address with couples?”

Many people believe that deep love between two people requires a sense of accommodation and nurturing, yet what most don’t realize is that those same habits can become blocks to a vibrant sexual connection.

How is it possible that as your love strengthens you can simultaneously feel a cooling of desire for your beloved? Let me explain…

First, it is helpful to reference a memorable one-liner from David Schnarch, fellow therapist and author of Passionate Marriage: “Sex consists of leftovers.” Essentially, people enter into a relationship, and, over time, they each eliminate (overtly or vaguely) the sexual possibilities they object to or find unappealing. The couple’s sex life then comprises of whatever is leftover. If the list of “nos” is quite long, the leftover menu will be pretty limited. If you have only a few approved items on your menu, ordering up your next experience quickly becomes predictable due to lack of variety or choice. Make sense? Additionally, adding things to the menu often creates anxiety or discomfort, either in suggesting the changes or receiving the requests from your partner.

Second, creating a conscious, dynamic connection with another person requires authentic, often raw, communication and calls upon us to exhibit enough vulnerability to allow another person to truly know us, including aspects of ourselves we hide from most. Our sexuality—what we have experienced in our lives, what intrigues and titillates us, our cravings and curiosities—is particularly vulnerable to share. We must trust that this information, when shared, will be met with compassion and interest, and that this exchange will be free of shame. Sadly, this is not often the case.

In short, the more we love someone and become committed to building a solid partnership, the less willing we can be to take risks (unlike our approach with someone we are dating very casually or don’t consider a “serious” relationship prospect, with whom we can be less concerned about outcomes or repercussions). We also become less willing to allow someone we respect and cherish to potentially be disappointed or turned off by knowing us in a more raw way from a sexual perspective.

From here, many of us will opt to focus on building the tenderness, the devotion, the love between us…where it feels safer, more comfortable, less risky. Why bother venturing into the unknown territory of potentially uneasy conversations about sex when you can stay right here in the Land of Safety?

My answer for you is: because that’s where the better sex is waiting for you!

Now, for the record, not every person cares about sex all that much. There are plenty of “sexless” couples who have actively or passively chosen to put sexual expression on the very bottom of their priority list, and there is nothing inherently unhealthy about this stance. A problem only arises if one or both people actually do want sexuality to play a stronger role in their shared lives and they either can’t agree that it is a priority or don’t know where to start in shifting things into a sexier gear.

If you find yourself in this group, I have some potentially surprising guidance for you:

The first step toward a better sex life with your partner will require you to become willing to tolerate discomfort, and be willing to ignite temporary discomfort in your partner.

It is incredibly anxiety-provoking to make requests for potential change in your otherwise fairly predictable day-to-day lives as a couple. Hunting for the perfect time to bring up such a conversation? It doesn’t exist. Hoping you can do this really smoothly and spare yourself and your beloved from even a single twinge of awkwardness? That is unlikely.

Check in with yourself about what needs to be communicated or shared most and commit yourself to starting the conversation, especially knowing you might have to approach the topic a few times if it is particularly uncomfortable. Growth is always worth it, especially if you can learn to trust one another to get through challenging issues together and come out on the other side feeling like stronger collaborators and partners.

Don’t worry about the perfect words.

Speak from the heart.

Do the hard thing.

Articulate your “why.”

Lean into the discomfort.

That vulnerability may unlock your relationship and connection’s true potential.