We all know the importance of relationship maintenance strategies, including regular date nights and engaging in quality time together.

However, there are times when these approaches fall short of what is truly needed: a full relationship reset.

Nurturing a thriving relationship over time requires constant growth and effort from each partner, yet few of us are really prepared for what this really looks like when done well. Naturally, there are times in any relationship when the connection has gone lukewarm or even cold, when the lines of communication are beyond strained, and when you can find yourself wondering, “Is it just going to be like this from here forward?” No date night, no matter how well executed, can create the genuine recalibration necessary when a couple finds themselves in desperate need of a reboot.

To begin the process of reconnecting and getting on track in a more meaningful way, start with the following:

1. Articulate clearly to your partner how you feel and where things stand between you,

…even if you think they should know intuitively. Use non-blaming language (“I” statements are best) and be specific and direct. This is not a time for beating around the bush, and subtle hints are not going to cut it. While it takes a great deal of courage to open up a challenging conversation that could make things temporarily more strained before they improve, this is the only way to begin to pave a path toward positive change.

2. Remember the saying, “Behind every criticism is a request,”

…and start the conversation with your request for your partner. What specifically would you like to see happen between you? Resist the temptation to list off 20 complaints that you’ve stored up for the past five years, and, instead, get really clear on the two to three most meaningful things you want to ask your partner to join you in addressing or changing.

3. Know what you are willing to do to create the progress you’re longing for.

What can your partner count on you to contribute? Say this aloud to your partner (vulnerability-inducing, I know), and be ready to back it up with action.

4. Ideally, your partner is responsive to your appeal for positive change

…and joins you in the desire to reconnect. If, however, your partner is reluctant to engage in this process, don’t give up so easily. Sometimes talking through the ways that resentment, emotional exhaustion, or apathy have set in over time can be healing and ultimately open a door to more willingness once they have felt heard and understood. Resist the temptation to jump into defensiveness when these painful things are brought up, and, instead, give the conversation some space to develop. Remember, there are always two perspectives to consider, and different aspects of your relationship have affected each of you in distinct ways. Both are valid and worthy of exploration.

5. This might be a good time to seek therapy for help breaking any toxic patterns you may have created as a couple.

If you’ve been in couples counseling together in the past, consider scheduling a tune-up session to receive support and guidance through this phase of your relationship. Therapy can be particularly helpful when you’re having trouble getting clear on what feels “off” between you—or when you know exactly what needs to change, but neither of you know where or how to start in terms of making meaningful progress.

Lastly, remember that a relationship reset doesn’t happen over one conversation. This is the beginning of an effort that requires time and energy, and it will unfold in stages. If the idea of this sounds grueling, it is a good idea to consider your “why”—the reasons that this relationship is worth fighting for and investing the best of who you are into its success. What propels you forward? What keeps you from giving up? Start there and work toward building on that foundation, even if it feels like a weak and wobbly one at the moment.

In the big picture, remember that life is far too precious to spend it living inauthentically or passively hoping that our circumstances improve without showing the commitment to make happen what is within our control. Positive change within a relationship always begins with our own willingness to show up as our most emotionally intelligent and courageous selves. Start here, and start today.