“Do you twirl your hair? Do you like to stroke your arm?…All of that is masturbatory in the broad sense of the word. People think that masturbation is just with a finger inside or…going for the clit. Narrow, boring, predictable. That’s a piece of it, but that’s not where you’re going to start. Do you do other things that you enjoy just for the sheer pleasure?”

    —Esther Perel, Where Do We Begin podcast, “Sexlessness”

For many, even speaking the word “masturbation” —let alone actually doing it—feels near impossible. Laden with messages from parents, school or religion, memories of past shame or trauma, or negative body- or self- image, the concept of self pleasure can sometimes feel more anxiety-inducing than enjoyable.

When this rings true for my clients, I often suggest taking the words of renowned therapist Esther Perel to heart: What if we could expand the term “masturbation” to include anything you do just because it feels good?

For men, masturbation tends to be penis focused—straight to the orgasm. While women often assume that if a vibrator isn’t involved, it doesn’t count. But there’s no need to go anywhere near your genitals to learn the skill of allowing your body to feel its very best.

Immersing every part of your body (and every one of your senses) into the activities you’re already doing will help you get to know your body on a whole new level—and increase your sexual capacity. Here are a few suggestions:

Cool It Down: After your next work out, take a few extra minutes for a longer-than-usual stretch as your breath slows, your heart rate comes down, and your body cools. A deep calf stretch after a run or an arched upward dog after lifting weights are great opportunities to feel your muscles melt.

Soak It Up: Take a bath when you’re already clean, just to enjoy the feeling of relaxing into warm water. For extra sensory satisfaction, add bubbles, dim lighting, a delicious-smelling candle, and a glass of wine.

Intentionally Indulge: Instead of mindlessly downing that pint of ice cream, savor each spoonful. Notice the taste, texture and temperature of that tasty treat—from your first bite to your last.

Ultimately, I’ve seen clients have the most success when discovering things that feel authentic to what they already know they love. For some, it’s the feeling of warm sun on their skin at the beach; for others, it’s cold air rushing by as they ski down a mountain. Some savor a snuggle with their dog, while others revel in the release into bed at the end of a long day. Allowing yourself good feelings is a skill that sometimes takes time to master—but, trust me, the full-body pleasure you’ll receive is worth the wait.

Rachel Zar, Clinical Associate

r.zar@enlivenchicago.com