A huge part of our job as relationship and sex therapists, it seems, is to actively and eagerly dispel myths about “healthy” sexuality, sexual functioning, and relational well-being. This week’s topic tackles a widespread and wildly untrue myth that I, once and for all, want eradicated from our cultural dialogue:

MYTH: Only “older” men have difficulties with erections.

http://gph.is/1WVREqU

This myth is so damaging for young men as it immediately sparks fear and anxiety that their penises will forever be strictly ornamental. The majority of men who come to see me individually are in the midst of this existential crisis—whether they’ve had just one experience, or weeks, months, or even years of difficulties with erections, rapid ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation. Some have been shamed by their partners, certainly all have self-shamed, since young, virile men should be able to get hard, stay hard, and orgasm on command, right? (Thanks, porn. And movies, and Cosmo articles, and our underwhelming sex ed, and…I digress.).

The truth is, men, you’re not machines. You are human bodies who are affected by mood, stress, anxiety, parenthood, etc., but you have been deeply misinformed that you are, in fact, machines. Not even you, Mr. Spritely Twenty-Something, Successful, Athletic Man.

Did you know that you can also have arousal non-concordance, just like women? This is when your mind is turned on, but your body isn’t (or vice versa!). What often happens in this scenario is that your mind is most definitely aroused, but your penis isn’t responding as quickly, or at all, which causes you to immediately jump into your head and begin “spectatoring” (i.e., “What’s going on?” “What’s wrong?” “Oh my god she’s/he’s going to think I’m not into her/him!”; “I should be hard by now!”). Once you’ve gone down that anxiety rabbit hole, you’ve gone into fight/flight/freeze mode, which sends your nervous system into a tailspin that requires some heavy duty grounding and relaxation techniques to reset.

Think about sexual arousal the way you do sports or a music performance: The more you think about it, judge it, or berate yourself, the worse you will perform.

Sports psychology and sex therapy are sympatico; They’re one in the same, as far as appreciating the mind-body connection, reducing spectatoring, self-judgment, and fear of “failure.” They’ll teach you to learn to recognize when you get “in your head,” your worries and fears, and to shift your focus and attention back to your body. Why do you think basketball players bounce the ball a few times before shooting a free throw? Or tennis players sway back and forth before returning a serve? They’re not thinking, they’re feeling; they’re shifting their attention away from distracting cognitions and back toward their bodies.

Pro tip: This attention shift back toward your body is the holy grail when it comes to sexual functioning, as you can’t experience sexual pleasure without feeling your body. And you can’t feel your body without quieting your anxious mind.

One way to practice this is through mindful meditation, and luckily, there are some great apps out there to help you practice! I recommend Calm or Headspace, both of which are amazing at teaching you to honor your thoughts and shift your attention to your body.

Stay tuned for more deep dives into anxiety and sexual functioning, such as how to be a supportive partner to someone experiencing difficulties!