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You: “I planned a few things for us to do Saturday.”

Partner: “Can’t we just be spontaneous this weekend?”

You: “What do you want to do for dinner?”

Partner: “I hadn’t thought about that yet.”

You: “How about we grab a drink before Mom’s party?”

Partner: “What party?”

Both of you: “Why are you the way that you are?!”

Sound familiar? Whether or not we’re actually from different planets, male and female brains operate VERY differently, in ways that can drive us absolutely insane. These differences aren’t necessarily limited to particular genders, so feel free to identify with “male” and “female” brains as you see fit. Let’s discuss a few across the board.

1. Present vs. Future

Male brains are compartmentalized, making it easier to focus on one thing at a time and remain present in the here and now, often making multitasking more difficult. Female brains are interconnected, where our current actions are connected to tomorrow’s and next year’s, as we’re wired to think about the future and do several things at once. This can show up with something as simple as planning a meal, as complex as sexual desire, or as heavy as decision-making about your future.

2. Internal vs. External Processing

Men and women process and communicate feelings differently (hello, therapy!), and across genders we are individually unique in this respect. Some of us are wired to think first, then speak (that’s the male brain). Others speak first, and think as we speak (the female brain). Internal processors might need time to navigate their emotions before they can articulate them, while external processors are emoting as they talk, and may be quicker to communicate their feelings. This can potentially create tension if we’re not at the same pace. Be patient, and remember that quiet may still be intentional. Just ask.

3. Self vs. Others

In her book “How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids,” (go read this!) author Jancee Dunn describes gender differences that impact marital and parenting expectations. She quotes anthropologist Helen Fisher’s research about why men and women attune to emotions differently, and have different instincts to focus on self and others. Women learn to tune into other people’s emotions from raising babies and reading their cues: “Is he hungry, tired, or sick?” So they naturally read and consider others’ emotions, often before their own. Men, on the other hand, are wired to perceive threats of danger (as family protector), so they overly attune to anger and may express (and react) to it more readily than other feelings. They also naturally take care of themselves first, in order to take care of others, while women often do the opposite.

The next time you feel like strangling your partner (come on, you know you do), consider that the issue might just be that we don’t think the same way about anything. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume nothing. And remember how boring relationships would be if we were all the same!