If you’ve ever thought, “I love my partner, we’re such good friends, and I definitely don’t want a divorce, but…sometimes we feel more like roommates than lovers/romantic partners/spouses,” then you’re familiar with what we call the “roommate stalemate.” This dynamic, while surely troubling, is incredibly common, and, dare I say, an important, profound and often critical stage in the health and longevity of your relationship.

I know, Oprah. I get it. How can something this troubling also be critical?

Let’s walk through it. When you first start a relationship, you’re in a lust phase. You remember this phase, don’t you? Your heart pounds every time you talk and sex feels “spontaneous” and easy… During this phase, your body produces chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin, both of which affect emotions and sensations of pleasure. This stage is also marked by the elements the erotic mind and body thrive on: mystery, uncertainty, intrigue, novelty, etc. The lust stage and the beginning phases of the relationship make romance and excitement feel natural, because the elements of desire and excitement are wrapped up in a neat little package for easy access.

As the relationship progresses, so do our intentions and biochemical makeup. Once you move forward and become committed, your internal and unconscious goals change from cultivating novelty to cultivating comfort, and questions such as “Can I live with this person? Are we comfortable around one another? Can I picture sleeping in the same bed for the next fifty years?” become front and center. The neurotransmitter that gets released during this phase? Oxytocin. The bonding hormone. The same hormone that gets released through breast milk during breastfeeding. This chemical is CRUCIAL to creating a sustainable, familial, secure bond between you and your partner (and your child!)—but it’s not sexy.

Enter the roommate stalemate. When couples come in sharing this complaint, I first share my congratulations that they’ve created such an amazing family bond! Then we get down to work, focusing on reintroducing elements of the early stages with an updated, matured, meaningful twist. If you’re feeling stuck, here are two easy changes you can make today:

1. Touch your partner more. Eli Finkel, author of “The All or Nothing Marriage,” offers a great “love hack” to address the roommate stalemate: affectionate touching. He found, through his marriage lab research at Northwestern, that couples who touched each other more frequently, with affection, were more likely to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, particularly around love and romance, not just familial bonding.
2. Take personal responsibility for change. Ask yourself, “With what energy am I showing up to interactions with my partner? Am I expecting him/her to set the romantic tone?” If you’re waiting for your partner to see you and treat you as a sexual partner, there’s a high likelihood that he/she is doing the same…just waiting. Shifting the onus to yourself gives you way more control. Not to mention, we must first see ourselves as a sexual, erotic being before we can truly let anyone else. Begin to identify the ways in which you, yourself, are either showing up as a sexual or romantic partner or not. A good place to start is by reflecting on memories from your early relationship and identifying what behaviors and thoughts were more present than they are now—then begin to implement them throughout your day.

There’s plenty more where that came from! If you’d like to schedule a consultation or session with Amy or with anyone at Enliven, contact us here!