A while back, researchers identified a quite large, quite unsurprising gap in orgasms between men and women within different types of relationships.  In essence, while 95% of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always climaxed during sex, only 65% of heterosexual women did. To compare, this number was 89% for gay men, 86% for lesbian women, 88% for bisexual men and 66% for bisexual women. Not so favorable for penis-proximate ladies.

Adding more numbers to the equation: on average, women take around 20 minutes to reach orgasm, while most men can climax in fewer than 5 minutes. And estimates are that only around 25% of women can reach orgasm from intercourse alone.

So….what do we do with all of this math, and why are heterorgasms so imbalanced?

Because Sex ≠ Intercourse, and that 20 Minutes ≠ Penetration.

Amongst other findings, the researchers were able to identify a “golden trio” of moves that are more likely to lead women to orgasm (if that’s what they’re after). These top secret moves are: deep kissing, genital stimulation, and oral sex. Wait, that’s not actually secret it all, it’s just been commonly referred to as “foreplay.” But more accurately, it’s “sex.” (Ask your lesbian friends.)

I see so many couples still programmed to believe that to have sex is to be spontaneously desirous, immediately aroused, and simultaneously orgamsmic via a brief stint, or outlandishly long period, of P- in-V thrusting. Instantly ready and equally fulfilled.

Think about your own experience and/or this common trope that illustrates gender differences:

(“The Sex” is being had.)

Him (to self):  “Slow down…not yet…list states starting with the letter I…shh…don’t make any noise…I’m too quick….I lost it.”

Her (to self): “To the left, right there, don’t stop, not to the left, focus on the sensation,  I’m taking too long….I lost it.”

Slow down. Hurry up. Their bodies are on completely different schedules. This is entirely predictable and precisely where it would be helpful to remember that the misaligned timing could be better used by starting with, revisiting, or ending with any or all of the above mentioned trio: kissing, stimulation beyond penetration, and some good ol’ oral sex.

tl;dr:  Don’t expect your lady friend to be a microwave, and don’t neglect her when your own timer goes off.  And, if you’re a heterosexual man who slid directly down here into the payoff? Science says your partner probably didn’t.