“If you really want to gut a relationship, tear out the very heart of it, infidelity is a sure bet.” —Esther Perel

Few things knock a relationship off balance as dramatically as the revelation of cheating. Esther Perel, relational sorceress and author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, breaks recovery down into three not-necessarily-linear phases: the crisis, the insight, and the vision.

The initial crisis phase can be a dizzying array of fight, flight, or freeze responses as the hurt party struggles to wrap their mind around the information and the betrayer weathers the flurry of emotions, questions or stony silences hurled their way.  What can the couple do to start on a path toward healing?

For the Betrayer: Work to Restore Trust

1. Fully Acknowledge the Wrongdoing

Clearly express remorse and guilt for your actions to communicate care and concern for your partner, as well as the importance and priority of your relationship. Recognize that explanations can often only be heard as justifications for unacceptable behavior at this point.

2. Make Space for Healing

Work to come from a place of guilt rather than shame. “I can’t imagine what this must feel like for you” instead of “I feel so terrible about what I’ve done.” It can be almost intolerable to see the amount of pain you’ve caused the person you love most, but shame makes it about you rather than creating space for their pain.

Your partner may ask the same questions or look for reassurance over and again. It’s part of the healing. They are not repeating as punishment, but instead attempting to make sense of a now-broken narrative. Their internal compass is off, and they no longer know what to believe. Every time you are able to answer non-defensively, you are building a sense of trust and safety.

3. Take Responsibility for Bringing Up the Affair

Hold vigil for your breach and show that you are actively protecting the boundaries of your relationship. This looks like regularly checking in with your partner about how they are feeling and recognizing specific triggers. Take away their need for vigilance by proactively letting them know where you’ll be, when you’ll be home or who you are texting. Let them know if the other party has reached out. Empower yourself by being transparent, rather than forcing your partner into playing warden to self-protect.

“When guys cheat it’s like we want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again.”  —Chris Rock “Tambourine”

For the Betrayed: Feel Your Feels

1. Don’t Make Any Decisions Immediately

Your internal compass is off, and there’s often no need to make long-term decisions immediately.

2. Rally Personal Support

Choose one or two trusted and non-judgemental folks with whom you can share your experience. You don’t have to carry the burden alone.

3. Work to Move From Detective to Investigative Questions

Detective questions look to find facts and often comparison. While they come from a place of wanting to self-protect and can allow you to feel more powerful or soothed in the moment, they can often lead to knowing too much. Ultimately some questions are better left unanswered.

Investigative questions, instead, look to find meaning and motive. Start with a question for yourself: What do you need to allow for building trust and feeling loved again?