As a couples and sex therapist, there are several books I refer back to constantly with my clients, and for good reason: they each offer wisdom in the form of easily-accessible academic research and/or theoretical assumptions and guidance based on years (and for some authors, decades!) of experience as a clinician. If marriage had an official pre-req course, consider each of these required readings:
Come As You Are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life, by Emily Nagoski
If you’ve been reading our blogs, you know how deeply the Enliven team adores this book. It’s the gold standard in understanding female sexuality, and offers both brain science and clinical vignettes to help illustrate how profoundly unique we all are! You need this book in your life if you identify as female…are partnered with a female…know a female…
New Male Sexuality: The truth about men, sex and pleasure, by Bernie Zilbergeld
The male equivalent to Come As You Are, this book highlights all things anatomy, education, vignettes, and exercises to enhance desire and arousal. It is especially helpful for those experiencing difficulty with erections, rapid ejaculation, or sexual anxiety in general. A must-read for men and those partnered with men!
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic, by Esther Perel
This is the first book I read on relationships and sex that had me completely captivated, both as a clinician and a human in general. Esther takes us through a theoretical framework in which she helps us understand why we have difficulty experiencing excitement and pleasure with our long-term paramours…and what to do about it.
The State of Affairs: Rethinking infidelity, by Esther Perel
Another game changer from the prolific author, this book explores big questions around affairs, such as “Why do they happen, even in happy marriages?” and “How do we recover from an affair?” Ever the multi-cultural dynamo (she is fluent in nine languages!), she offers a worldly perspective on infidelity, why it’s as old as marriage itself, and whether it can ever be something that positively transforms your relationship. It’s a book for “anyone who has ever loved.” Goosebumps.
*Bonus: That’s right, Perel did ANOTHER Ted Talk, this time on infidelity. Click here to watch.
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, by Jancee Dunn
Despite its kitchy title, this book is a (hetero) relationship gem: the author explores the real-life questions and quandaries about what to do when, post-baby, you and your partner find yourself stuck in patterns of resentments, and explosive, repetitive fights. She interviews some heavy hitters like Esther Perel, Terry Real, and even an FBI hostage negotiator (seriously). It’s hilarious and relatable, and entirely genius.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman & Nan Silver
A big ‘thank you’ to Gottman for devoting his entire career to researching and understanding marital health, and for compiling his main points in one easy-to-read, enjoyable book. Gottman spent years observing couples in relationships, and he breaks down what he learned about what a marriage needs in order to be healthy and happy through seven main principles. He offers questionnaires, guidance, and exercises for you to work through on your own and as a couple. It’s a wonderful book for those wanting easy, hands-on work you can do from the comfort of your own home!
There’s plenty more where that came from. If you have any specific requests for books on a certain topic, please reach out to me at kimberly@kimberlysharky.com! I’d be happy to offer some solid references for your reading pleasure.
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