There is a particularly toxic cultural myth spread by many that once you have kids your sex life goes down the drain. What is specifically dangerous about this belief is that it is always spoken as if it is Truth—a permanent, unavoidable state of being that should simply be accepted as normal.

What is more accurate, and useful, is realizing that your approach to intimacy and sex simply needs to evolve over time *especially* when entering into and living through the stages of raising children. The early stage of many relationships is built upon the classic foundation of carefree flirting in the days leading up to a fun date night that extends into the wee hours of the night followed by brunch and bottomless Bloody Marys after an indulgent sleep-in…and don’t forget the we-don’t-have-a-care-in-the-world sweaty sex, of course. Now, you don’t have to be a certified sex therapist to know that this formula won’t exactly be very reliable once you introduce the journey of fertility efforts, pregnancy, a newborn, a toddler, and perhaps another newborn to the picture! Yet somehow we rigidly stick to our formula and are surprised when the age-old myth about sex after kids seems to become a reality – it never/rarely happens.

If you are relating to this, you likely fall into two camps: those couples who enjoyed a vibrant sexual connection before they embarked upon the adventure of parenthood or those couples who were already working through various sexual challenges and weren’t able to resolve them before the active fertility stage began. For both groups, a good first step will be to chat together about the aspects of your sexual connection that are most important for you to experience, the aspects that are most distressing to you, as well as any specific ideas you have for how you’d like it to change. If you struggle with communication in this area of your relationship, the guidance of a sex therapist can help you tremendously. Remember, we love nothing more than helping couples navigate stuck points in their lives and come out on the other side as radiant, abundantly joyful and orgasmic people!

Thinking back on the ways you have felt connected in the past, identify the specific things that have meant the most to you. The trick from here is to begin by figuring out a few ways you could experience more of those specific things, but in a new way that honors the parenting stage you’re in. This is a good time to point out that I’m using the word “stage” very deliberately because it’s important to remember that everything from here forward is exactly that: a fluid and passing stage. If fertility was a heartbreaking challenge to you, pregnancy could be a breeze. If you loved the newborn and toddler period, perhaps you’ll find the preschool years to be a much bigger challenge. As a couple, you will be smart to do everything possible to remain allies by supporting one another through the tough parts while savoring the rewarding moments of joy. Your way of communicating sexually needs to be equally fluid and flexible.

Some practical ways to get on track:

1. Identify the specific parts of your early life as a couple that you miss the most. “I just remember us touching so much more.” “I love when you used to talk to me about more than the running of a household.” “I miss our mornings together on the weekend.”

2. Brainstorm ways you could incorporate more of these specific longings into your life now. “Once a month we could have your parents do a sleepover with the kids, and we could score a deal on Hotel Tonight, and have our own sexy sleepover…with a sleep-in!” “If I can work on my hesitation to be affectionate in front of the kids, we could make an effort to get back to touching more throughout the day.” “Let’s use texting for the practical day-to-day household communication but talk to each other like a connected couple through more intentional emails about how we feel about various things, about each other, or about world events.”

3. Identify barriers to intimacy – make a list as long as you can – and resolve to address at least two in the next month. “I’ll probably still stay up an hour later than you do because I cherish that quiet time to read, but I will join you in bed for a bit when you are ready to end the day. That could be a good time to talk, touch, and connect.” “With all that’s going on at work, I know I’ve been distracted. On the weekends I will commit to being more present so we can recharge together before Monday comes around again.” “We are both distracted by a worry that the kids will walk in on us, so let’s use the guest room down the hall as our sex den. We will get plenty of notice if we hear them walking first to our room before they begin their search for us. Plus, I like the idea of a change of scenery for us – it might bring back our creative spirit!”

The key here is to experiment and work together to see what works for right now. Experiment. You are not broken. You are not doomed. You just need to put the same amount of mental effort into this very important area of your life as you would if you were researching your options while buying a new car or home. We all like to think that sex should just come naturally, but the quality actually goes up when you co-create an evolving and dynamic sex life together over time, NOT when you sit back and wait for some sort of libido fairy to strike you both at the same time. Start here, honoring the current stage of the journey you are in, and make meaningful efforts to put your intimate and sexual connection back on the priority list. I understand the many ways this forces you to feel vulnerable, anxious, and unsure of the outcome, but what I can promise is that it won’t get any easier the longer you wait and, more importantly, the payoff is living a life of deeper connection with the incredible person with whom we signed up to embark upon this crazy adventure in the first place!

As usual, reach out to us if you find yourself stuck in the weeds (nod to all of those who have restaurant industry roots like mine) and we will be thrilled to help you find your way. Email our intake coordinator to discuss scheduling options (concierge@enlivenchicago.com). Also, I invite you to comment below or email me directly if you want to request any specific posts expanding on these ideas (k.sharky@enlivenchicago.com). This, of course, is just a scratching of the surface and can’t possibly encapsulate the experience of each and every unique couple.