Did you know there are two different types of desire, and both, yes, BOTH, are
completely normal and healthy?

Thanks to amazing researchers like Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., author of the absolute BEST book on human sexuality (Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life), we now know so much more about the delicate nuances that contribute to each of our erotic selves.

Step One: Buy the book for yourself.

Step Two: Buy the book for everyone you know.

Step Three: Take a look at the following definitions of both types of desire, reflect on which type you identify more with, and remind yourself that you’re normal, healthy, and sexy regardless of type!

Spontaneous desire is the kind of desire that hits you out of the blue: You’re walking down the street, and all of a sudden you think, “I’d really like to have sex right now.” Or you’re three episodes into a Netflix binge of “The Office” and suddenly realize you’re turned on.

Responsive desire is different. It sounds like, “I’m not interested in sex at all right now, but let’s get started and I’ll probably catch up and enjoy it.” Responsive desire requires a stimulus to respond to (your partner’s touch, for instance—regardless of whether it’s a quick stroke of your hair or minutes upon minutes of direct genital stimulation), whereas spontaneous desire happens, well, spontaneously.

We each tend to identify more heavily with one type of desire over the other. Unfortunately, society has told us that the only valuable or coveted type is spontaneous desire, which disregards the normal and healthy sexual response of a huge portion of the population.

This isn’t the only message from society that needs updating. Stay tuned for next week’s blog from Amy Stewart, who delves even deeper into how these differences relate to women’s and men’s sexual response—and how our understanding of it has changed over the course of history.