It’s a common reason that couples come to therapy: “I love my partner, but something is missing.” Then, the work circles around discovering what that something is. Is it passion? Is it friendship? Is it trust?

Researcher Robert J. Sternberg has developed a theory of love that can be helpful in determining that “it” factor. He identified three components of love—passion, intimacy, and commitment—that combine in various ways to make up different kinds of love. Without any of these three components, he posits, love cannot exist.

 

 

Passion, represents the motivational aspect of love, the yearning for your partner, the physical attraction, the romance. Passion alone leads to infatuation. Not surprisingly, there tends to be a lot of this at the beginning of a relationship, but it often fades or feels harder to access with time.

 

Intimacy speaks to the emotional, the thing that has us feel connected, close, and bonded. Intimacy without the other two components leads to liking or friendship.

 

And commitment describes the intellectual piece, the parts that make us good for each other, the things we have in common. Commitment alone leads to an empty love, devoid of commitment or passion. Commitment and intimacy take time to build, and often feel more accessible when passion fades.

Throughout a relationship, these components mix and match and interact with each other to form different kinds of love. Some are more important than others to different people or at different times of life. So let’s do a little love math:

 

Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love

 

Passion + Commitment = Fatuous Love

 

Commitment + Intimacy = Companionate Love

 

Then, the trifecta:

 

Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate Love

 

Take a look at Sternberg’s triangle and think about where your relationship falls. And if you need some help developing the components of love that feel necessary and lacking in your relationship, you know how to reach us.