“At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.” -Gary Chapman

Yes! We all want to feel loved and connected. Sounds simple, right? In his book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” Chapman describes that we all have different ways of giving and receiving love, and that it is crucial to know and understand our own and our partner’s love languages in order to fill an invisible “emotional love tank.” If you’re only speaking your love language, you’re missing a huge part of how your partner connects with you.

It’s hard to feel connected when you’re running on empty in your relationship, so let’s get to know these languages really well. Think about how both you and your partner give and receive love in the following ways:

1. Words of Affirmation: Verbal compliments, encouraging words, specific thank yous. “You look amazing in that outfit.” “Thank you for taking the kids for the day.” “I’m so proud of you and your work promotion.”

2. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention. Planning a date night, engaging in an activity or conversation together, going for a walk without your phones. Try something without the TV on, so you can focus more on each other.

3. Gift Giving: Gifts are a visual symbol of love, something you can hold in your hand that says “I was thinking of you.” They don’t have to cost a lot of money. You could buy flowers, or pick up her favorite chocolate from Mariano’s, or grab that book he’s been talking about.

4. Acts of Service: Doing things your partner would like you to do, that make his or her life a little easier. Often these are household chores, part of life’s daily tasks: cleaning the house, washing dishes, changing diapers, paying bills. These actions take something off your partner’s plate, no matter how mundane they might seem.

5. Physical Touch: Holding hands, kissing, sex, physical affection. Touch can be as affectionate as a back rub, cuddling, or a long embrace, or it could be more sexual with foreplay, intercourse, or a playful slap on the butt. Knowing your partner’s range is key here, so you can be in touch in ways that work for both of you.

Here’s the thing: all 5 love languages are great, so don’t stop doing whatever comes naturally to you. But it’s especially important to be speaking your partner’s primary love language(s), to really fill his or her tank. If you’re a physical touch person, and she’s an acts of service person, emptying the dishwasher might be a real turn-on for her! If you like gift giving, and he’s into quality time, giving him your undivided attention on date night is the way to go. These selfless gestures require a bit more intentionality, yet they also have the biggest return on investment. Don’t we want to put our energy into the things that have the biggest impact? Absolutely!

If you’d like to learn your love language or your partner’s, click here to take the quiz.

Happy loving!